seanwillson.com

this weekend i wandered home. in fact i took an extra day off so that i could relax more when i was home. i arrived late on thursday night and hung out with my brother and christina till it was time to sleep. then i got up in the morning and had a good weight training session with kelly. she wasn’t doing one of the exercises the “optimal” way so i helped her out. she felt it all weekend. one thing i can say for weight training, when you do it right you feel it for a while. when you do it wrong, you either can’t tell at all or feel it immediately. at least that is my experience thus far.


after working out i went with my brother to pick up supplies for the condo work we were going to do this weekend. when we were done he went to work and bit later i went and hung out with mikey and lori. we just rented some movies and vegged at their place. one thing that was weird was that while we were watching “eyes wide shut” with nicole kiddman and tom cruse (crappy movie with no direction or point) lori said she was tired and was going to bed. mike and i were pretty messed in the head trying to follow the movie and i kept hearing her rustling in the background like she couldn’t sleep. she got up a few times … and walked in a few times giving us looks … it led me to wonder if she was angry that we were watching it. i know all a lot of the reviews talked about was kiddman and cruise being naked but honestly it was nothing really. not any more then any other R movie now days and it was boring to top it off. you spent more of your time trying to figure out what the hell each scene had to do with the movie. it was pretty much a crappy flick by a well known dead director. anyhow, i think she was kind of miffed and i hope that mike didn’t get into anything because of it. i don’t think i will ever understand women.


started saturday with the traditional free day breakfast except i went with mike and lori today. after that mike and i went to my brothers new condo and helped paint for about 5 hours. there was a bunch of us there … me, dad, kelly, ellis, christina, larry, his wife, bryan, and mikey. we got a ton done while there and it shaped up pretty damn well by the time we all left. then we all broke, cleaned up, and met up again a few hours later to do dinner for ellis’ birthday. it was a good meal and i had a great desert to top it off. everything went well, that was until we paid. my understanding was that my mother and my father were going to split it. we were going to rotate this around the family for different dinners. well my dad paid half and then it got to mike (mom’s bf), he proceeded to not only not pay enough for them but not half like my mom and i discussed. so i ended up forking out a ton of cash again for dinner, damn near almost half. i assumed that my mom had discussed it with mike but i guess not. i don’t think this is going to work any more. we can all do dinner but we will just have to pay for ourselves and spend forever dividing up who had what. i had thought it was going to be simple rotation but as usual i get screwed in the end. so rather then be embarrassed and argue over who was paying in the restaurant i sucked it up and paid for the rest. i have no idea what the hell my moms plan was … after that mikey and i went and watched the 13th warrior at his place. it was decent but nothing to write home about.


the next day kelly and i did cardio together. we decided to do the stairs … so we went behind my old high school where there are 2 sets of stairs. one has a steep incline and the other has a flatter incline. so we went up one, jogged to the other, down the other then back up, and back and forth like that. it was a great 20 minute workout and we would increase and decrease the intensity in between each one or the pace we were going up and down. i am going to have to remember that next time i am home so we can do it again. again, kelly was pretty wasted afterwards … i like going home and helping her push herself farther.


after working out i went to my brothers and helped paint some more, this time it was “trim” day. we had help from beth, steven, kris, and mike & lori showed up later. when i left it was shaping up and was looking really nice. the color schemes they chose worked really nice together. i can’t wait to see what it looks like with carpet and everything. after that i left, went to my dads, packed up, and drove home.


it was a pretty uneventful drive home. i spent a lot of time thinking about the progress i have made so far both physically and mentally, and the goals i have set for myself. i also spent time thinking about the gym that i want to open up in a few years in michigan. i am going to spend some time this coming weekend writing some of it on paper so i don’t forget my ideas. i have a ton of them and need to figure out how i can shape this into a product that people will buy into and still make a profit. i know little to nothing about starting a business and i concede this. i am going to start researching so that i can get a grasp on what it is going to cost to run this place and still make some money off it to live comfortably.


since i got in so late (midnight) there was no way i was getting up at 5am to workout this morning. today is my last day working out in the evenings. i will be back on track tomorrow, kicking ass and taking names. work went pretty well today but while i was at work i read some posts at cyberdiet in the 20 something forum. there are quite a number of people on that forum that are pretty clueless when it comes to the body for life program. there are still others that outwardly seem really open, but if you write about something you are enthusiastic about and they disagree with it they rip into you. it used to be a very supportive forum, but has turned into a side show of clicks and opinions. i don’t see myself posting there much any more. i will write more about the reasoning in my next vent.


well that’s about it for me today … till next time.

i had a pretty good weekend. my free day was a bit out of control though. for some reason i was craving chocolate and had to much of it that’s for sure. i regretted it on sunday and even monday. i think my body is still recuperating from it actually. my goal next free day is to not let it get out of hand like that. maybe a few things but not like last saturday.


how bad was it. no, i did not eat a house or anything. lets see, i started the day with a good old breakfast at denny’s as usual. got the lumberjack slam … heheh … then i took my car in to have it cleaned and munched on a cadbury egg and some peanut butter pretzel flipz. then i got home hung out for a while and then finished off half a pint of my ice cream from last free day. i had lunch at kfc, i bought the 8 piece chicken and ate 4 of them for lunch. after that i worked on my web site, did some shopping and picked up a resupply of all my vitamins and minerals. i got enough to last me about 4 months. went to dinner at the olive garden after that and had a chicken fettucini dish. then my roomie and i went to see erin brockovich the movie and while there i munched on another cadbury egg. after the movie i picked up a pint of ice cream on the way home and finished that off to close out the evening. i also munched on 2 more pieces of chicken the rest of the evening and threw away the other 2 pieces.


see what i mean, a bit overboard. next saturday i will have my traditional ice cream but will try and not have any more chocolate at all. we shall see …


seems that i am finally getting some movement in my family toward getting closer. i started a tradition of everyone going out for a nice dinner for everyone’s birthday. we started it with christina and are doing it again for my brother. about damn time, i have been wanting to do more as a family. seems that my mom always has something to do, ellis and christina are pretty open to it, and my father likes hanging out at home. gotta kick some ass to get them all to move. last dinner i had to plant the seed with my brother and then he took off with it. this dinner i planted the seed with my mom and she is taking off with it now. i had to bet both of them that they would not do it though, seems that got them moving some … heheh … go figure. don’t want me to show em up so they go and do it. oh well, it’s for the good of the family.


while researching some search engine information for work i wanted to test some of the features on a real web site. i decided to test it on my site so i put a search engine up. it allows people to look through my site and find the information they are looking for easier and it was free. i think it is pretty cool and hope that people use it. now they can easily find out how much i am talking about them … heheh …


i am getting pretty tired of being a parent. oh, did i mention that, i had a kid. yea, he is living with me. his name is rob, and it seems that he is a 8 year old in a 21 year olds body. i have to tell this kid every 2 minutes to do something. he goes on the balcony, comes back in, knocks the curtain on the ground, looks at it and walks away. i leave it there for a few hours and then ask him if he is going to fix it .. “yea i was gonna in a bit” … i wait a bit, nothing fixed so i do it myself. he takes the garbage out, only after i ask a million times, and then never puts a bag in. no i am not being petty, it adds up damn it. i clean the whole damn apartment every weekend, do all the dishes, and clean up after him. i am so fucken tired of it. no more, no more at all. last night i started piling trash on the counter. he finally put a bag in today after work cause the counter was covered with trash. drastic? i don’t think so.


having trouble again getting up in the morning. i am still working out, just in the evening. i failed myself in that goal i set to get up early. so i am going to try it again tomorrow. i really want to, just having trouble. i know it helps me a lot during the day with energy and i don’t have to think about when i am going to exercise day. plus there is the fact that my metabolism is working all day that much harder when i work out in the morning. the benefits are there … so damn it, i am going to do this, starting tomorrow !


i read a really good article by bill joy at wired.com about mans place in the 21st century with the advent of artificial intelligence, robotics, and nanotechnology. it made me pause and take notice of the changes that technology can have not only on the internet, where there is really no physical change, but also in the real world with possibility of causing mankinds extinction. i am going to write a small article about it and put it on my web site in a few days. i think mankind has to make some major decisions in this century. more then we are capable of making with this poor excuse for a governing system that we have now days, that’s for sure.


i’m babbling again though. will write again after my weekend is over probably. i am headed home this weekend for my brothers b-day and to help christina and him move into their new condo. till next time …

when i am assigned something to work on i perform to the best of my given abilities. when my employer asks me to attend training on a topic i do everything within my power to get them their moneys worth. this includes all parts of training, from listening in class to performing exercises. i figure i owe them at least that. so why am i writing this vent? i had the mispleasure of speaking with a colleague today about a course we were attending and he spoke of how bored he was and how he did not feel like doing the exercises. he felt that he was learning enough from listening so he had no need to do the exercises, oh yea, and they were too “trivial” to him.


before you say, well that is his perogative let me ask you a few questions. you are about to be operated on in a hospital. right before you go under the knife you learn that the dr that is performing the surgery has never performed one in his life, but he went to college, listened to lectures, and even watched a few. does this put you at ease? do you feel he has the skills to operate on you? ok, now say you are a local electronics store and you use your credit card to purchase a product. a week later you learn that someone stole you credit card number because the company that made the credit card machine had a security breach. it later comes out in the news that this security hole was the result of sloppy testing by the manufacturer. does this make you happy?


no, i am not being drastic, i am sharing my feelings on the topic. but lets give this person the benefit of the doubt, lets say he learned something in this course without applying these things to an exercise. so now he starts a project, gets 2 months into it only to learn that he left a few huge holes in his design because he did not take into account some of the stuff he “supposedly” learned at training. no big deal right, just fix the design and move on. so they are a month late, no biggie right. who pays for that? the company? the employee? no, the consumer pays. you pay, i pay, and every person that purchases from that company pays.


is this hitting a little closer to home now? i am not asking for a cure for cancer here. i am merely asking that people in this day in age get some backbone and when they are given an assignment give it everything they have. no half ass attempts at doing it, no falling asleep in class or at your desk, no “i am to bored” to do this right now. use all you skills to their fullest potential. you owe that to your employer and you owe that to the consumers that are purchasing your products that took a month longer to write then it should have.


but that’s just my opinion, for what its worth …

this week went by pretty fast and with no hiccups. on a few of the days i had to work out in the evening instead of the morning though. had some cravings last night for some junk food but then i did my upper body workout and it was gone. i was just reading an article in muscular development about how exercise curbs the appetite and it was great seeing it actually work. i have never cheated yet, and don’t plan on it any time soon.


work was pretty slow this week. i was finishing up a project and then the last 2 days of this week i just had trouble focusing on what i was supposed to be doing. i finally finished the project and got through it though. i was thinking about my web site all day, the learnfitness.com, one. i want to do something cool. i have plans to have news, discussion on the news, message boards, live chat, and articles posted by real people. i was working on the design this week and reading up on php. that is what i am going to be using for the dynamic content on the page. i also upgraded my account to have a database. it will be an extra $6.95 per month though. i started looking into some online advertising. i want to have some fitness/health banners on my site, small banners, but maybe some way to get some revenue to pay for the site itself.


in my workout this week i wanted to try and push it a little more the i used to. i wanted to make sure that i was reaching a 10 with every exercise. so when i was doing the exercise when i was done with the last rep i tried doing another. if i did that one, even if it hurt like hell i tried to do another. i found that on most exercises i could get another one in, and something half of another one. but any more then that and i was toast. it felt good doing it to burnout. i felt a ton of burn in my shoulders, tri’s, and bi’s. i still don’t feel much burn in the chest or back but it will come in time. i pushed my incline dumbbell press to 100 lbs. i was doing more reps at lower weights before but now i am making progress in the program that is allowing me to increase the weight a lot. i think the creatine i am taking is helping a lot.


i placed an order 2 weeks ago with natural high and have yet to receive it. last time i got it in 2 days, this time it is like vitamins.com. they took forever last time. when i called natural high they said they had been bombarded with orders recently from online and were having trouble dealing with the volume. i understand that but daaammm. i am running out of myoplex and i am not looking forward to paying a premium at the brick and mortar stores.


ok, i have an observation i have to write about now. just about every single one of my friends from back home is engaged, their friends are engaged or married, or their parents are engaged. my brother & christina, mike & lori, mikes mom, stephanie & keith, my old friend pat, and a close family friend doug. it is kind of scary and depressing. what do they know that i don’t? what are they doing that i am not? sure i don’t exactly go to the bar and shop around, but i don’t see myself meeting my significant other in a bar. sure my brother did, and he is a better person for it, but i just know thats not me. i will probably hit her with my car, or get her angry at me for some reason of another. its in my nature to have women mad at me … heheh … i think it is that whole making up thing i enjoy. i sure don’t do it on purpose, but it come with being open and saying what i am thinking. i am bound to offend someone for one reason or another.


so if i do erk that significant other before we hook up, what am i to do. thats where i think romance comes in. so damn it, what in the hell do i do to meet her? wait for fate to kick me in the ass? if it is not the bar then where? i am not religious so church is out. i workout so maybe the gym? gotta get the self esteem up there, before i can do that. that and a six pack i am sure will help there … hehe … these are the kind of things going through my mind when i go home and see friends and family. i see their happiness and wonder when that’s going to hit me up side the head. to see the caring and supporting relationship that mike and lori have. to see the love and happiness that my brother and christina have. well i can’t have it yet, but someday maybe.


well before i cry here … kidding … i have to get some sleep, tomorrow is my free day and i am taking my car in to get detailed on the inside. damn roommate spilled shit all over the console and it smells like shit in there. i hope that they can clean it up, he is paying … hehheh … well till next time.

i went home this weekend and saw the family. while driving home i performed my tradition of weighing myself again. before i did i asked myself what i would accept as progress. everything i have read said that 2 lbs a week was good but i wanted some more like 3 lbs a week, so a loss of 12 lbs would be acceptable. needless to say i was surprised. i had lost 20 lbs in 4 weeks, that’s 5 lbs a week. i was more then happy, i was grinning from ear to ear the whole way home. i could not wait to tell christina my progress.


on my free day i went all out as usual. started the day with the best breakfast possible, the pantry of course. it was a guys breakfast with me, mikey, and my brother. i had a omelet with potatoes, white american cheese, ham, and bacon. top that with some pancakes, though i could only eat 1/4 of them. then washed that down with chocolate milk of course. for lunch i had a cheddar cheese wopper and fries with a shake, and for dinner we order pizza and i had 4 slices. closed the evening with a pint of ben and jerry’s bovinity divinity ice cream. all in all a good free day full of food i was craving all week.


then there was the rest of the evening … forgot to mention that i go drunk. i had not done that since new year. it took 3 drinks earlier at a party and then another 2 drinks at my friend mike’s house. don’t get me wrong, they were big glasses. but the next day my body was hating me in a big big way. next time if i drink i will spread it out more and maybe not make them as strong, but i don’t drink often so no biggie. in my day though i could slam 34oz of beer in 3.4 seconds and my record is drinking 3 fifths of liquor in on evening at a party. i probably could have died, and was drunk to late the next evening.


had some trouble after my workout on sunday. it was a good workout with kelly and i helped her push herself further then she usually goes. but afterwards my father walked in smoking a cigarette and i thought i was going to die. he did not do it on purpose but it really made it hard to breath. i politely brought it up later and asked him to please not do that after my workout.


i got to see my brother and christina’s condo this weekend. it was really nice, a lot better then the place they took me to 4 weeks ago. the bedrooms in this place are huge, plenty of room for kids to run. sounds like we are going to be painting and stuff next time i am home. they already have new carpet and the furniture chosen and ready for delivery.


after last weeks fiasco with the anonymous writer i came to a realization. my goals with this site are simple. to explain what i am going through with my transformation and to get all my thoughts and feelings on to paper. if people are angry with this i am sorry but this is something i need to do for me. so that’s over … you will never see me write about it again as it is the past. thank you all for your kind words, both private and in the guest book.


when i got home late last night i wanted to get my final meal in, so i threw some betagen in the blender and turned it on. drank that down and threw some water, some ice, and some myoplex in the blender. when i turned it on all was well. then about 30 seconds later it all of the sudden got a high pick squeal like the motor was spinning really fast with nothing to hold on to. turned out the drive pin went boom and it was toast. 2 months old, and about 2 myoplex shakes a day and it was dead. thats what 30 bucks at target gets ya. so like i do with the rest of the things i buy, spend a bit more and you get quality. i went to marshall fields after work and picked up a nice 350 watt, 2 speed, 40 oz glass carafe, waring kitchen classic bar blender that came with a 5 year warranty. it was $150 dollars but should last me a ton longer then the cheapo one.


while driving home from michigan i spent a lot of time thinking about the next 5 years. i came to the realization that i am never going to really have my credit cards totally paid off and never charged on again. so in light of that i need to stop putting off saving cash to send to the credit cards and start saving. so starting next check i am saving 1/3 of each check and investing it in my future. there is no way i am going to be able to accomplish what i want to do in the next 5 years without cash to work with. this will ensure that i have a nice nest egg and funds for my future ideas.


well i have babbled enough on this entry. i will write again soon.

well i was having a great day today. i got a lot of stuff done at work. i was enjoying life, that was until i read a guest book entry from an anonymous coward. the person was pretty rude and i responded of course, in more ways then one. i developed quite a bit of anger from their post so i decided to reply to their message, vent, and write in here. i think it is pretty much gone now.


otherwise this week is going well. i have been breaking down walls from the past. i am talking to friends that i had not heard from in a long time. one was michelle, her and i stopped talking after a bad new years meeting. i hate leaving things on a bad note, so being sean, i sent her a message last week saying hi and seeing how she was doing. turns on she is great and was happy to hear from me. it is great talking to her now, hearing how her life has changed. turns out she is engaged and set to get married next year to a great guy. i was very happy to hear that. then there was tammy, another friend i stopped talking to. after she responded to one of my posts on cyberdiet i started emailing her again. she is also doing great, which was another relief. she to is set to get married next year. again engaged to another great guy. i guess i have that effect on women, get them angry at me, we stop talking, and they meet mr right … heheh … oh well, glad to be of service.


seems that tammy had some insight the dream i wrote about the other day. here is what she said some of it meant:


“the fire means you will be surprised unexpectedly. seeing friends mean you will travel and see them soon. dancing means pleasure and possible inheritance. and a woman with a beautiful figure means joy & satisfaction.”


sounds pretty good to me. i hope some of those things come true, none of them sounds bad.


well it is getting late again, and i am tuckered out from my cardio workout and my venting this evening. will write into you again next week after i head home for the weekend.

so i was checking out my web site today to see what people had said in my guest book and there was a new comment. seems someone took offence by something that i said on my web site. they then took to thrashing me about it and then left. i guess they didn’t see the warning sign on the main page or even the comment on the journal page about being offended easily. to top it off, the person didn’t even have the self respect to back up their comment by giving a name or an email. when someone signs my guest book without entering a name for themselves it automagically gives them a name of anonymous coward. this person purposely did not enter a name or an email address, just a shallow message.


so why do i care? well like all things that come from anonymous people, i don’t. in one ear out the other. yet something settles in and makes me uncomfortable. when other people visit my site they could get the wrong impression after reading this message. so i feel that i need to say something.


first the vent, you ready for this …. breath .. and … go. little does this person know that i am an engineer, either that or they neglected to think that mattered. well i have a few resources up my sleeve. so lets begin shall we. i went to my site, looked and the logs, and saw that only one person accessed my web site at that time that night and low and behold, they visited the guest book and made an entry. so what right? well no, a little bit of detective work showed me a few things.


first the person entered my site from directly typing in my address in their web browser, not from a link. i also know that they entered from the ip addresses 24.4.252.128 and 24.4.252.129. doing a simple tracert at a dos command line told me that they actually were accessing me from proxy1-external.rdc1.mi.home.com and proxy2-external.rdc1.mi.home.com which are @home network proxy servers in michigan. if it wasn’t 2 people surfing the site on 2 different machines then it was one person being redirected from one proxy server to another mid query. i know this because the query goes from one server to the other within 1 second while constructing the main page. since these servers are regional i know that this person(s) has to be from michigan and they are accessing the web through the default @home network web browser, version 4.5 on windows 95. i know this because those browsers are set to go through the proxy server by default. i also know a few more things, they first accessed my site from typing my url directly into the @home networks location bar. this is not the netscape address bar, but a custom form that redirects via a script to the url that was entered. i know this because of the first line in the log file i am attaching below.


so do i know anything else? of course i do. i know that very few people outside of friends and family know the url to my web site. i have posted it on message boards but almost always as a link, not spelling the url out. i also know what pages the person visited, here is a list:


/index.shtml

/main.shtml

/mind/index.shtml

/mind/2000.02.28.shtml

/mind/2000.03.03.shtml

/mind/2000.03.05.shtml

/etc/index.shtml

/etc/allguests.shtml

/etc/guestbook.shtml **

/body/index.shtml

/body/thank.shtml

/venting/index.shtml

/soul/index.shtml

/whoami/index.shtml

/resume/index.shtml

/resume/standard-resume.shtml


that is also the order they viewed those pages in as well. you can see that they judged my entire site, the people i thank, my life change, and the people i love after viewing 8 pages and 3 journals. they spent 10 minutes before they judged me. in all they spent 24 minutes surfing my site.


so does that sound fair? to judge someone without getting the whole picture? before you know that my loved ones use this site to know what i am up to in life. for my friends to see what i am doing and what i am thinking. for others trying to make life changes to get inspiration or guidance. no, they didn’t care about these things, all they cared about was their view on my 3 journal entries. doesn’t exactly sounds like the person even thought about anything, they just react like most people do. i can hear them now “who cares about the others, its all about me me me”. not exactly a person i want to call a friend.


so i bet your asking now if i know who it is? well i only have 2 friends from michigan on the @home network, they do live together, and their computers are in the same room. but, i know it was not them though because they are both running windows 98 and the browser that these requests are coming from are windows 95. i also know it is not them because they would confront me on the phone or in real life and not anonymously over a web site, thats why they are my friends, we respect each other enough to do that. what i really want is for the true “anonymous coward” to respond with some dignity and give me the respect of a reply.


so did i accomplish anything going through all this crap? maybe yes maybe no. i was trying to show you how we are all really an open book if you look into it. through simple computer tools i was able to find out information about a person surfing my site. their life was as open a book as my web site is an opening into my life. except of course i voice my opinion with honor and in my name, not the name of an “anonymous coward”.


but that’s just my opinion, for what its worth …


note to others - i have never actually done this “cyber sleuthing” before on my web site nor do i plan on doing it in the future. there is no point taking this any further unless the person decides to respond.